#tetris belies it’s wisdom upon thee

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

Imagine if ghosts reverted to their death state on the anniversary of their deaths, but I'm making it worse for Edwin in particular.

So I feel like Charles would struggle with it, obviously, but he also met Edwin when he was actively dying so, after a handful of years, he doesn't mind if Edwin -- only Edwin -- sees. They just sit down for the day and read till he can slip into his orb form in a facsimile of rest.

But then we got Edwin. This man will yap and yap about capital H Hell but God Forbid he actually TALK about his trauma. 'Charles mustn't be exposed to that!' is his fav excuse but c'mon. Be. So. Fr. He just doesn't want Charles to think of him differently.

There are days where Edwin hops off to the library or something and gets lost in books for days, it's not new. Ghosts have shit perception of time. So when Edwin disappears to the "library", Charles thinks nothing of it. He just goes to do some of his own shit -- concert, ghost cricket, idk -- and very impatiently waits for Edwin to be done. (They have a deal that he can come drag Edwin away after the 48 hour mark if he's not home by then.)

Another thing is, Edwin hasn't explicitly stated what day he died, so Charles has no idea. It doesn't occur to him that he's never seen Edwin's death anniversary till he's telling Crystal they'll be closed in a week for his, and she asks when Edwin's is.

And he just. Doesn't know.

So Crystal ushers him through her vanity because god forbid these boys have self initiated confrontation. And now Edwin is being cornered and he reluctantly reveals what he's been doing. Aka lying and spending his most vulnerable days in an abandoned garden or something. Charles is fucking Gobsmacked™️ and they talk, etc.

Anyways, Edwin's death anniversary is a month or two away from Charles' so they wait, both anxious as hell but Charles is being Charles and coping by helping Edwin instead.💀💀 (Edwin confronts him because PUT THEM BOTH ON BLAST‼️‼️🗣️🗣️)

On the day, Edwin's form changes little by little. Rubbed in rashes around his wrists and the corners of his lips, paler, sunken eyes, and bursted blood vessels looking like freckles. Charles spends the whole night reassuring Edwin and layering him in love and I'm such a sucker for love confessions so you KNOW they gotta have a moment like:

"I'm proper gone on you, aren't I?" Charles whispers into Edwin's hairline, sounding utterly smitten.

"Even like this?" Edwin asks. Equally quiet and wholly insecure, something Charles will spend the rest of his afterlife rectifying the same way Edwin has for him.

"Especially like this."

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

Thank you tumblr, that post was very like that

ok so here's the thing

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

AU where Edwin knows he's gay from the start would be fire me thinks.

Imagine if he thinks he deserved Hell but still wants to escape and feel so wrong and selfish for it. So he never tells Charles what actually happened between 1916-1989, Charles only knows whatever happened was very bad no good. Edwin would be horribly, painfully aware that he was falling for Charles. But that's wrong, isn't it? Boys can't like boys.

So he tries so hard to ignore it, tamp it down. He can't let Charles know. If he knows then he'll know why he's avoiding the afterlife, that he deserves to go to Hell.

Charles knows Edwin is scared of Death and the afterlife, he assumes that something happened from 1916-1989 that convinced Edwin he was damned but there's just no damn way someone as good as Edwin deserves Hell. But, selfishly, he never tries to convince Edwin to go. To leave for his beautiful afterlife.

Then Port Townsend happens.

Crystal is no idiot, she can tell Edwin's jealous from the start. She can tell Charles thinks it's because they're best friends, she can tell it's because Edwin's in love. That doesn't stop her though, she deserves one good thing after everything, doesn't she?

(I think Cat King would go very similar to canon, but it's less of "I'm not gay" and more of "I know what I am but these urges aren't okay".)

Niko loves love, she can tell Edwin loves Charles. She can tell Edwin doesn't know it's okay. Niko helps him through it, becomes his confidant, the first person he confesses everything to. I think they would have a huge conversation that ends in them both crying -- Edwin bemoaning his unrequited love, Niko mourning for him -- and cuddled up watching Scooby-Doo. (The sprites get teary eyed too but still mock them, Niko calls them out and they deny it. "It's dusty as shit in this old ass glass!" "Yeah, we're getting fucking pick eye in here!" "When's the last time you even washed this shit-ass jar?")

It all comes to a head with the Night Nurse. We all know her spiel, "I'm taking Edwin back to Hell and Charles to get processed." But Charles doesn't know Edwin's been processed. Charles doesn't know Edwin's assigned to Hell.

Niko is empathetic, not forcing Edwin to explain but not once thinking he did anything to deserve it. Crystal is up in arms, demanding to know what he did to deserve Hell, demanding to know why he hid it from Charles. Charles is confused, conflicted. Edwin's his best mate! There's no way he deserves Hell! But... but why didn't he tell Charles? Edwin is overwhelmed and panicked and no, no, no! Charles was never supposed to know!

Now, listen. Niko isn't one for confrontation, she doesn't like to fight. But hearing Crystal rip into an unresponsive Edwin while Charles lingers unsure on the back has her heart breaking, has her head hurting. So she steps in, shouts at them to stop, that they'll talk tomorrow when they've cooled off. And drags Edwin off to her room for the night. She doesn't demand answers and he doesn't give them.

The next day, everyone's off. The tension is high and only building. Crystal keeps sending Edwin pointed comments and Edwin is actively ignoring her existence. Charles is conflicted, caught between Crystal and Edwin; taking both their sides without taking either. And Niko doesn't know how to soothe any of it, so she sticks close to Edwin.

Eventually the four are leaving the graveyard, Crystal and Charles arguing when she rounds on Edwin. "And you! Don't think I forgot about you!" Niko tries to step in and stop it like she did last time but Edwin's tired, he's had enough, he breaks. "I was sacrificed! I was sacrificed and spent seventy-three gruelling years fighting to escape! There, happy? Might we please move on now?"

He storms past them all and for the first time since this dispute started, Niko is angry. She tells Crystal that wasn't okay, that it was cruel. And takes off after Edwin, leaving Charles and Crystal standing uselessly.

"I didn't know..." Neither remember who said that.

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

After an unreasonable amount of digging I have found out that:

Crystal is 5'2"

Niko is 5'5"

Edwin is 5'11"

And Charles is 6'1"

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

My birthday has passed!!! I now have more legal freedoms than I probably should be allowed!!!!!

Anyways, as a happy birthday gift to myself I'm combining my favorite things in a fic. Little snippet:

“Holy shit,” Crystal gasps. “It's an actual-”

“Hellhound. Yes. Very astute Crystal.” Edwin grits out, hands shaking as he reaches for the rebar, barely making it a few centimeters before Crystal's swatting his hands away.

“You're not supposed to remove it!” She snaps.

“I cannot bleed out Crystal! I am a ghost!” Edwin groans, half out of pain – it's nowhere near as bad as the Dollhouse he reassures himself, it does not work – and half out of exasperation. Still, she swats his hands away like a pesky child reaching for hot plates.

“It's still fucking iron you moron!”

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

DBD soulmate AU where sum ppl have not one, but TWO soulmates (one platonic, one romantic), Edwin and Charles assume they’re each others platonic soulmate, then Charles meets Crystal and they assume they’re romantic soulmates, but THEN Edwin meets Niko and she doesn’t like boys like that and Edwin doesn’t like girls like that (apparently???) And oh. OH-

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

Charles gets his afterlife assignment and it just says “Edwin Payne”

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

I need a fic where Edwin gets hit with the "you're now a child" plotline and everyone fully expects him to attach himself to Charles or Niko. But Edwin, even as an ankle biter, is determined to divert expectations. Niko treats him too much like a kid -- baby voice, 'aaaawwwee!!!!', aka not something he's used to -- and Charles isn't nearly upfront enough -- often plastering on a small and can-do attitude, which is worse now that Edwin's a child

But Crystal? Crystal is blunt to a fault and she's so used to bitching at and with Edwin that it's reflexive. So this little brainiac, sassy preteen has latched onto the world's recovering-worst influence. Shenanigans ensue. (AKA: Average older & younger sibling behavior.)

I just think Edwin's autistic bitchy kid ass would love someone he can speak his mind to without fear and have respond in genuine, not watered down or riddle-ified ways. He still likes Niko and Charles too obviously. I need the silliness so badly you don't UNDERSTAND ‼️‼️‼️😩🙏🙏🙏🙏

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

Hold on

AHA!!

The nefarious anglerfish

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

Everyone is so creative when it comes to Charles using new pet names for Edwin so here’s my take!! (Since everyone’s just dying to know.💀💀)

One: “Mate”. It’s a classic and they both clearly value the title of being the others best mate/friend. I think they'd keep it even while dating because one title isn't more important than the other.

Two: “Love”. You guys are so right but I raise you “MY love”. These boys literally go “Oh yeah, this is MY best mate!” I feel like that “my” would carry onto romantic nicknames.

Three: “Angel”. Listen- LISTEN!!! Edwin went to Hell and I just think it would be so sweet for Charles to call him Angel. Like, do you get my vision?? Especially in softer moments or when Edwin’s in need of comfort or something.

Four: “Sweetheart”. In Edwardian times I’m pretty sure two people courting were called sweethearts, I feel like this one is used less seriously. Like flirting, or Charles using his charm to get what he wants, jokingly placating, etc.

Five: “Lamplight”. Started off as sunshine and devolved from there.

Now for Edwin because I’m going insane over dead gay boys.

One: “Beau”. It’s just so cute and kinda old-timey I dunno. You can’t tell me Charles wouldn’t preen if Edwin introduced him as his beau.

Two: “Dearest”. Either said in complete earnest or sarcastically. No in between.

Three: “Darling”. I feel like Edwin could use this one to comfort or flirt like, “I love you just the way you are, darling.” And Charles just never knows which one it is. Maybe it’s a little bit of both, maybe the flirting is accidental, who knows.

Four: “Mon petit chou”. It’s a fancy way to say sweetheart. Edwin would love a fancy way to call Charles sweetheart.

Five: “My Heart”. Because Edwin also needs a “my” pet name. Obviously.🙄🙄

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

I’ve seen so many alive!DBD au’s where Edwin and Charles meet first, or Edwin and Niko/Charles and Crystal meet first, but I raise you: Rich Payne and Surname-Von Hoverkraft families meet first. They are industry RIVALS, okay? They DESPISE each other with a burning passion and trade thinly veiled insults back and forth at every event they meet.

(More under cut cause this shit is atrociously long.)

At first Edwin and Crystal ignore each other or send glares, following their parents lead, but then they get older and Crystal starts acting out to get her parents attention while Edwin starts distancing himself from his. Both of them get the idea of, “What if I get to know the Payne’s/Surname-Von Hoverkraft’s daughter/son? My parents would HATE that.” So a friendship is formed.

In the beginning it’s toxic bitch levels of fake on both their sides, good lord they can’t stand each other. One day Crystal’s drunk off her underage ass and just starts openly venting and Edwin — the always sober guy and no it’s not cause he cares that’s preposterous!! — meets her tit for tat. Because, c’mon. Of course they’d drop random trauma on each other like fun facts.

Anyways they’re proper friends now, still appear the same — arguing is their love language — but there’s a level of solidarity now. Insert Edwin getting sent off to St. Hilarion’s for another year — Crystal threatens him to write her back per usual — and his classmates pull the prank. Not sure what 73 years in hell would be here, I’ve seen so many interpretations but I think kidnapping and torture is accurate.

While that’s going on Crystal gets a new boyfriend at her school. Any guesses?? She writes Edwin about David and Edwin does not hold back, he’s part of the reason Crystal tries to break up — it doesn’t go well, not sure how yet — and she writes Edwin about what happened craving comfort. Usually postal’s pretty fast, they aren’t that far, but she doesn’t get a response one day in. Two. Three… She finds out her best friends been kidnapped AFTER a news article has been released.

Turns out her parents knew the entire time but neglected to tell her. Crystal stops speaking to them. It’s 73 days later before she gets anymore news outside of, “The Police Are Still Looking”, and it comes in the sign of a knock. She hadn’t got much sleep that night — didn’t most nights — so she’d been wandering around her kitchen aimlessly. (As you do.) When she heart a soft rap on her front door. Curious, and too tired to care about danger or consequence, she opens the door.

Crystal doesn’t recognize him at first, he’s shivering and there’s so much blood on his- his everywhere but then a very weak voice croaks, “Crystal.” She screams. And sobs. Because what else do you do when your friend had to escape himself after 73 days of captivity and torture and the first safe place he could think to go wasn’t the police, or hospital, but you? Her parents are awoken by her scream and come rushing down because what the fuck is going on? And it’s all a blur from there — she refuses to leave his side and Edwin clings to her like a limpet.

It takes awhile of recovery and physical therapy — and regular therapy — after that but Crystal is holding his hand nigh every session, she’s there to bring him books and bicker and provide a sense of normalcy. Crystal forgets David for awhile, the only one to occupy her thoughts being Edwin because she knows he’d do the exact same. The two also get the satisfaction of watching their parents actually try to be amiable after this, it’s so stilted and awkward and they revel in it. And, yes, the tabloids somehow get ahold of the fact that kidnapped Edwin Payne fought his way to the Surname-Von Hoverkraft’s doorstep instead of literally anywhere else. Rumors pop up about his and Crystal’s relationship and the two make a teir list of their favs and least favs. Secret love child/half-siblings is their favorite, secretly dating isn’t even on the board they hate it so much.

College!!! The two decide against anything super fancy. And by that I mean they move to America together to find some community college to go to because neither want to be reliant on their parents who took a whole ass kidnapping to pay attention to them. Anyways, they share a flat above Tongue & Tail butcher shop with Jenny as their landlord. Crystal works as a freelance artist and tarot card reader (She’s really good.) while Edwin works as the librarians — Maxine’s — assistant.

Charles and Niko meet differently, Niko’s actually advertising her need for a roommate and Charles — who also moved to America to get away from his dad — takes it up. Fast friends don’t have a thing on these two. Niko gushes about this pretty girl across from them and Charles is man enough to admit, yeah, their neighbors are pretty fine. Too bad they’re dating.

———

Anyways more highlights of this AU in no particular order:

Crystal and Edwin physically recoil when Niko says something like, “Wait, I thought you two were dating?” Edwin puts his hand to his heart, too stunned to speak. Crystal fake gags and goes, “Why does everyone think that?! HE’S GAY!!”

Edwin discovers his sexuality at one of the clubs Crystal drags him to when Thomas King — older then them by a few years — flirts with him and he Panics™️. Crystal drags him away with a scathing look toward Thomas and asks if Edwin’s okay. He blurts out, “I- I’m gay?!” and Crystal goes, “You didn’t know??!?”

David tracks Crystal down to America and it’s a whole thing for obvious reasons, also because she forgot to tell Edwin about it in full — too busy helping him. This is how Crystal’s abusive ex trauma gets aired. (Charles maybe reveals some shit about his dad here too.)

Edwin and Niko go on a little faux-date together — cafe, library, just a chill day and night out — but Edwin leaves his flip phone at home and Niko’s dies. (Yes he has a flip phone.💀💀) So Crystal’s panicked as shit, last time she couldn’t contact him he was literally KIDNAPPED and TORTURED. Charles tries to calm her down before simply offering to wait up with her. When Niko and Edwin get back Crystal breaks down like, “You can’t DO that!!” This is how Edwin’s kidnapping and torture trauma gets aired.

Charles has a near death experience at St. Hilarion’s a few days after Edwin’s kidnapping. Turns out they went at the same time but Charles was a year under him and they ran in very different social circles. He gets chucked into the freezing lake and stoned still but a teacher catches them all and sends him to the hospital.

Niko’s dad died and her mom sent her to America to get away from the sadness, she caught a really bad illness and also almost died. Charlotte Knight was her Nurse. (Unrelated but she has Poliosis, which turns parts of your hair white.)

Esther is a serial killer and uses her son, Monty, to lure people in. Very brain washed Monty here sorry guys. She kidnaps Edwin who has several trackers on him — after the Niko Night Out incident Crystal and Edwin spent a night sewing them into each others coats and shoes — and the police arrest Esther and Monty.

Payneland and Palasaki of course, but this would probably be focused on Edwin and Crystal’s friendship. Yes, Niko and Charles get a shovel talk. “You know I adore you Niko and whilst I do not think you’d intend any harm, I will have to do something drastic in the event that it happens.” “Okay listen here dipshit. I have full faith you won’t hurt Edwin but if you do, intentionally or not, I will have to castrate you.”

There’s more I forgot lmfao, this is too long already😭😭 If I made any spelling mistakes no I didn’t

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

One of my favorite details about DBD is how, despite his resistance to change, Edwin is constantly working on himself. Smaller ways its shown in is when he starts asking Crystal to read things instead of “talking” to them. When he fixed his words last minute around Shelby — the female hysteria thing. When he starts saying the internet instead of “your internet”.

Edwin listens to his friends despite the front he puts up and I love him so much for it. He's absolutely the kind of guy that if you ask him to grab you something he’ll say, “You have two very capable legs, have you not?” as he grabs what you want and gives it to you.

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

I don’t think I can legally marry a possum

Nor do I think I’d want to

But if I tried I would b very much fucked and prolly on the run💀

You’re getting married to your Tumblr pfp how fucked are u

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

The enemies to lovers in me wants me to make an enemies to lovers AU of payneland, but they wouldn’t be enemies to begin with if they just fucking talked to each other. (Charles doesn’t like Edwin cause he looks stand off-ish/know-it-all — maybe he did something accidentally condescending — and Edwin doesn’t like Charles cause Charles doesn’t like him.)

Edwin gets bullied or insulted or something for being gay and of course Charles can’t have that, then Edwin helps patch him up because at the end of the day he’s kind to a fault, and now they’re both confused. Edwin stubbornly refuses to do anything about it because obviously Charles still doesn’t like him he just hates homophobia more. Duh.

And Charles has to consult with his friends (Niko and Crystal) about this guy he’s been borderline fueding with, but also he patched him up??? Niko, upon hearing Edwin’s name, immediately goes, “Edwin? As in Edwin Payne?! Oh my god! I haven’t seen him in years!!” Turns out Edwin is her childhood friend or something and Oh No™️, Charles has been fighting his close friends’ childhood friend! Over an assumption!!

Next time he sees Edwin he cringes because. Well. It’s just kinda awkward now. But Edwin doesn't really pick up on this and holds his usual cold, distant, haughty attitude; and gets taken off guard when Charles is like, “Um. I think we got off on the wring foot. My bad.” Insert slowburn, Charles falls first Edwin falls harder. (Yes, Charles is actively flirting with Edwin.)

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

New headcanon just dropped: What if, in their early days, Edwin would deadass forget to respond to Charles. Like, he’d forget talking was an Okay Thing To Do Now™️ so Charles would ask something and Edwin would just kind of. Stare. Then move on.

Charles is always so confused as to what he did wrong and, being a people pleaser, is discouraged by it. Then he remembers Edwin “I’m Not Good With People” Payne, pulls on his big boy pants, and asks what’s wrong. (I know! Crazy!!!) ‘Course Edwin’s ✨confused✨ and is like “I’m not? Ignoring you??”

Anyways Edwin realized that, yeah. Okay. That is, technically, ignoring somebody and they work it out.

[fellow-fandom-fruitifier]

Night Nurses “That’s the point. You didn’t make it better and then you died.” (Or however the phrase goes.) Is so devastating. The sheer grief and helplessness that would overwhelm me if someone said that to my face. Like, you tried your entire life to do something only for it to all go down the drain because some dumb boys took it too far. All that futile effort, and hard work, and upward struggle for nothing and there’s not a damn thing you could’ve done about it.